All said in my last post, I still have my doubts about ministry. I too easily allow my emotions from one successful moment or one dreadful meeting lead my heart and my mind. I need serious prayer in that I feel my heart, almost physically at times, being torn in two directions. While I love, love, love youth ministry. I hate, hate, hate working for a church. I love every aspect of the ministry opportunity I have: I love being relational with teenagers; I love doing administrative work, I love encouraging volunteers and planning events and chatting with parents.
My past with the church is a long history, and so I come in predisposed to having, at best, an awkward relationship with it. I've been hurt so many times that the scared child part of me wants to get out before I get hurt again. And I see it happening, the power plays, the communication break-downs, the gossip, the misdirected frustrations that are all a part of small-church ministry.
Both directions are valid. Both come from a very real places of joy and pain.